Today

Feeling... uncertain. I have that awful, hovering sense that something has been forgot. That there are things I'm neglecting. I have no idea what. I've called the people I should have, baked all the dough I had rising, and gone through in my mind all I could be missing, but nothing takes the feeling away. It's such an uncomfortable feeling. 

Seeing.. my daughter play with her cars, tiny trucks hauling cloves of garlic, while Luba eyes everyone covetously and creeps toward the mugs of coffee on the floor.  "No, Luba..you are never allowed coffee!" Luba and coffee is pretty much the worst combination ever.

Smelling.. coffee, fresh bread, and lots of lemon essential oil. I've been cleaning with lemon a lot recently, as well as starting my days with lemon water. It smells so fresh and welcoming.

Tasting.. milky coffee and muffins. Saturday mornings are ideal for muffins..Saturday mornings are just ideal in general. I love the slowness of them. I love waking up to Yarrow's uncontained and exhausting enthusiasm, I love it when Seth crawls out of bed to make coffee and lets me sleep. I love sneaking out of bed to do the same for him. I love Ilya's satisfied and entitled little face when he finally falls asleep after a night of crabbiness. Just in time to deprived me of any true rest. I even love Luba's pathetic attempts to steal food or sneak her way up onto the bed....I do not love the rain-clouds.

Listening.. to Yarrow. Playing with cars is so loud. So many noises. Noises are not my favorite thing ever..but she enjoys them so very much.

Grateful... for the weekend!

Hoping..I can either remember the thing I'm forgetting, or realize it's a figment of my mind, I hate being haunted by it like this.

Reading..Food Rules by Michael Pollan. Thank goodness he avoids making me feel guilty about the amount of coffee I'm drinking!

Working on..making more diaper balm for Ilya, Spring cleaning, and writing, actually..assuming I get the chance. I'd love to work on catching up on sleep, but my body generally punishes me for naps.

How about you?? How's your day?

Today..

Feeling... impatient. We're just waiting around now. I'm trying to keep my house in it's current state of near perfection, despite the people living in it, and the dog who delights in destruction. I should get this new baby a puppy of his or her own, but I'm making myself wait until the snow melts - house-training a puppy in winter is an awful thought! I should get Yarrow a kitten too..anyone who wants to find a hypo-allergenic kitten for Yarrow is welcome to send it our way, maybe two? I like Siamese and Russian Blue, visually. But I know nothing about cats. And it must have claws..I want this cat to be safe in the yard!

Seeing.. my husband make dull dresser beautiful. He's painting folk motifs on bare wood and it's so fascinating to watch. I love the colors!

Smelling.. Rosemary, mainly. Seth has been wearing Rosemary essential oil a lot recently. It smells fresh and clean and delicious. At Christmas, the grocery store was selling those little rosemary trees. I wanted one desperately. But they're not for culinary use, and it just didn't seem worthwhile to buy a whole tree of un-cook-able rosemary. I still want one, or five..for the house. 

Tasting.. clementines..and my new, supposedly very powerful, platelet juice. It's beetroot juice-powder mixed into a big class of carrot juice. It looks like clotty blood, tastes very medicinal, and should keep my platelets from dropping anymore. It's the should that haunts me. I want something definite. 

Listening.. to the soundtrack from 'The Book of Life' on the computer. We discovered the cartoon (by the same guy who made Pan's Labyrinth!) and it might be Yarrow's new favorite movie! It's adorable, very fun, and full of great characters. I like cartoons with characters who are really like-able, and not pathetic. And these characters - three friends, are wonderful! The girl, Maria, is strong, love-able, funny, capable, and so very kind..the guys are equally capable, delightful, and completely un-threatened by Maria..also completely in love with her. But their friendship stays strong throughout. I love it!

Grateful... for the slight warming trend! It's over 30 already today, and it's not even noon 

yet! 

Hoping..I have the best platelet count ever at the next check..that this disgusting drink does it's job for me! And that I can manage to get into town tomorrow night for another massage. I'd like one more before the birth, and another soon after birth. They're amazing, really!

Reading..Backyard Medicine, F. Scott Fitzgerald's short stories..but neither consistently, mainly I'm just waiting and being distracted.

Working on..building platelets and encouraging labor. This would really be a wonderful, warm week to have a baby!


How about you?? How's your day?

Today..starting over, again

Feeling... baby-kicks and wood-heat. It's a cold morning, but bright and clear! The house feels so cozy. I've cleaned up already. The floor is swept, but not washed, dishes are soaking on the stove, and Yarrow is fast asleep in the big bed. She hasn't quite settled back into a routine since her grandparents left last week, and nights especially have been full of her exhausted wiggling. Last night, none of us slept well. Luba paced the floor, Yarrow shifted and couldn't be comfortable, waking Seth to ask if she could wave goodbye to bushia i dziadzia, or to ask for food; Seth spent the night quieting her, and I dreamed of demons. But the morning is so fresh and clean. A new week! A new day! Yarrow began it by catching up on sleep, and I begin by returning again to my neglected blog.

Seeing.. a my beautiful new skirt hanging on the chair, the empty tea cup on my desk, and my plans for today - all laid out in a rediscovered journal. I spend most of my journaling planning for the next day; it's not at all reflective. I'd like to change that, but I'm not quite sure how.

Smelling.. chai tea, rosemary, cedarwood, and clary sage. Those last three are steaming away on the wood stove, making the whole house smell fresh and new. I sprinkle the oils in a little bowl with water, and as the water heats the scents fill the room, it's lovely!

Tasting.. nothing anymore. I've finished the tea. I'm feeling my lack of sleep now, maybe I should have napped with Yarrow instead of writing and cleaning..but it's too late now, if I try, she's sure to wake up as soon as I doze off..maybe I should make coffee instead.

Listening.. to the classical channel..Mozart was on just a minute ago, but I don't know this  piece at all. Usually, if this station comes in, it's chopped up with a country station, and peppered with intrusions from trucker CB radios. I can't listen at all without feeling frustrated. Today it's working perfectly and I've abandoned Catholic and Protestant talk radio to enjoy it.

  

Grateful... for an early morning rest, for clean house, for lots of firewood piled up in the 

driveway, and for all the blessings of life.

Hoping..I can find face-paint for this Friday, that Yarrow wakes up happier and more stable than she was when she fell asleep, that this week is calm and quiet and centered around the house. That Luba doesn't get sick from whatever it is she ate last night...

Reading..Psalms (otherwise known as 'The dancing book') and The Enduring Chill by Flannery O Connor...because it's just so fun!

Working on..balance..and it's a huge process! At least I've finally worked blogging in again, right??!! I also need to find a new camera.

How about you?? How's your day?

Today

Feeling... hmmm..so many things all at once. I'm happy to see Bushia i Dziadzia visiting Yarrow, to see her wander off confidently in their hands; I'm excited to see all the little improvements at home and in the yard - my husband spent his weekend building, fixing, up-keeping, and in general making home a delight (along with making me a lovely Sunday brunch, and giving me some time to myself Saturday morning and making sure I got into town for confession! Can I be any luckier?) I'm also feeling confident about the coming winter..the sense of unpreparedness is gone, and I'm seeing our wood-pile grow, seeing our home's 'winter order' take shape, and feeling positively anticipatory. But, I'm also feeling frustrated. It's time for me to take a brake from social media again..I've got some thoughts drafted for sharing in the next few days, but September first, I'm swearing off Facebook for at least a few weeks to recollect my sense of sanity.

Seeing.. a bustling cafe! I let Yarrow plan the day today, she wanted a morning with her grandparents at Cafe Nomad "..because I really, really, really like them!" and an afternoon playing with them in the yard. They've taken off to walk around town while I type, and I'm watching hipsters sip lattes, families play with giggly babies, and hipster parents give sips of coffee to funky toddlers with names like Eyelet and Otis..(I'm hoping here, I've no idea what the kids' names are.)

Smelling.. breve (mine) and dirty diaper (not mine)..someone needs a change, but the bathroom is taken by a line of older women looking peeved..come on hipsters, no one will judge you for changing Baby Byron on the floor!

Tasting.. yummy breve, town water, and just a tiny sip of Yarrow's mango smoothie..(I'm supposed to guard it, not drink it..but it's so very good. Just one more little sip...

Listening.. to the people around me talk and talk and talk..I love being alone in cafes! I l

listening to snippets of other people's conversations! Someone is buying a house, Little Delilah

(problematic choice, hipsters..Delilah's not a nice girl!) is demanding more juice, old women 

are listing off the many places that have more bathrooms than this cafe, someone, somewhere 

is angry at the president..

  

Grateful... for an ideal weekend, a clean soul, happy ducks (they have a new coop!), and an

exciting week ahead..the last week of August. 

Hoping..I can finish setting up the yurt for fall & winter this week (by moving the oven into the house!!), get some dirt moved to where it needs to be, and get a hold of the guy with cheap hay for sale, to help with winter insulation! Yes, I am productive..hopefully.

Reading..what am I reading??? Nothing much right now, actually..I feel like sort of a failure in that. I'm in such a slump..but I'm looking around. There's a book called 'The Little Oratory' I'd like to look into, though I've heard mixed reviews..and another book on St. Petka (Paraskeva) and Orthodox Women Saints that I'd buy in a second if I had the $70 a used copy costs..hmm, I need to broaden my options right now.

Working on..getting some order into my days again, along with working through the "To Do Before November" list on my wall, editing some poems in the hopes of loving them again, and finding a book to read!

How about you?? How's your day?

Today..Starting Fresh

Feeling.. worried. The ducks ran off again yesterday. I kept them penned up for a week after their last overnight in the woods, but I really wanted to give them the option to leave their pen and yard, let them wander in the gardens and eat all our slugs and just be adorable..But I haven't seen them at all since yesterday evening, so if they do come back, they're permanently locked up.

Seeing.. a clean house and a gray, damp, heavy sky through the dome. I can see one sunflower brightening the whole morning through the window on the door, and the pink lilies peeking in over the couch. I can see elderflowers, still in bloom beside the chicken coop, and cosmos marking the start of the front garden. I can not see any ducks.

Smelling.. damp, rainy greenness, roses from the altar, and bee-balm from Yarrow's bedside table bouquet.. Flowers are one of my favorites parts of summer!

 

Tasting.. cold chai tea with milk and Greek yogurt with nothing added to it. Yarrow beside me is sipping coffee with cream and I wonder if I'll regret skipping my morning coffee when she's had her's, but I just don't want any today.. These warm summer mornings fit better with cold chai.

Listening.. to Yarrow chatter...she's been the most talkative little girl recently. It's sort of 

excessive, really. She just can't seem to stop talking. Ever. My brain feel a little 

overwhelmed by all the words..especially this morning, when all I want to listen for is the 

sound of quacking and flat, duck-feet, flopping down the path. Wretched ducks.

  
Grateful... for a nice weekend at home with Seth and Yarrow, for pretty new sheets, for 

a restful few months of early summer, and now, for the motivation to really dive into this

season's work.

Hoping..Seth will get some time to finish all the side jobs he's got going, that we'll get to see him more when he's done, and that the ducks come home all together soon, so I can lock them up forever.

Reading..another round of Theology of the Body, a discussion with a friend has me thinking about a lot of things (wow..how vague is that!), and looking over John Paul II work is clarifying..also, As You Like It (we just saw it performed in Portland).

Working on..getting my ducks back..we're off for a walk in the woods as soon as the drizzle's done, to hopefully scare them up. Catching up with friends, and weeding the gardens too.

What about you? How's life? I've missed blogging!

Today

Feeling.. Busy. Excited..And at last I'm getting back to my blogs..and a little bit shakey. I've had way too much coffee today! I really should not have had that last cup! Or, at least I should have had breakfast with it..Maybe I just need food..But look!

 
Blossoms at last! It's been a long, slow start to a proper spring here in the woods! I'm so thrilled to see the tulips opening up!

Seeing.. 

Flowers..

and trees..

Smelling. Green..and coffee..and incense..and the anti-Luba's-smell spray of cedarwood, lemongrass, and lavender..because Luba can make the couch so stinky..especially running off in the rainy woods and coming back soaked, like she's been doing recently.

 

Tasting..coffee..I need to eat something! Maybe a quesadilla for lunch?

Listening.. to Bushia and Yarrow play at being Uncle Christian and Clara..apparently they have a dog at their house and an insatiable love of lattes..

 
Grateful... for a restful weekend - planting, running, writing, playing..it's been wonderful. I feel so ready for the week!

Hoping..to get rid of the two dead Subarus we've been storing for the past year or so..I am so excited about sending them to a new home and getting paid for them!

Reading..a few drafts for friends and a lot of old poem drafts of my own..clearing out papers!

Working on..the yard! Always, always the yard..

 

Today

Feeling.. Contented. It's Sunday afternoon, and - apart from blogging - I am done with my day's plans. I've attended Liturgy, drinking in the light that comes from mingled candles and clouded over daylight streaming through stained glass; I've run through the rainy afternoon air and come back soaked but warm and fresh. I've put my house in order and talked herbs and Chesterton with Seth..this evening I'll make a pot of coffee and settle in with my story (the one I began in November and have left to set for months), it's been lonely too long and is ready to be seen again. Tomorrow, I'll drop Seth at work, and pick up some roses, check the prices of fruit trees, and peruse herb-pots at the farm store. I'll put in my order for June chicks and ducklings and build another raised bed with Yarrow. I love anticipating the new week!

Seeing.. the cozy house - clean, but lived-in messy, and the altar..all abundant with Easter still, though Jesus' flowers need to be changed..seeing Yarrow's 'motorcycle' tucked beside the 'big' altar - her own little altar is full of stones and candles and saints she's recruited to her cause...seeing the grey sky spit rain down at the dome..it's a dark day out, but Seth has a blue willow-ware cup on a bright red saucer on the table beneath the sky, and it makes me warm just looking at it.

Smelling. Wetness and mud and spring and herbal teas. Everything smells like moist earth..like rocks that have been pulled out of their homes..cool, dark scents. Soon I'll make it all smell of coffee and cream.

Tasting..Icelandic yogurt. It's similar to Greek yogurt, but without as much of a tang. I would like to be tasting a bottle of chocolate wine (it's amazing, really!) I didn't buy any yesterday, and I'm glad I didn't, because really, what's the point in running just to down a bottle of wine at the end of the day? Or maybe that is the whole point of running..to down a bottle of wine everyday..either way, I'll stick to yogurt and tea tonight instead, and hope for the sense to pick some up tomorrow.
 

Listening.. to Seth and Yarrow. They are outside "playing and playing and playing" as Yarrow would say; or "cleaning up the yard" according to Seth. It sounds like fun. I just ran through the rain though, so I'd rather stay warm and dry! Besides, I'd planned on taking some alone time today, and running doesn't always fill that need..it's too..public? maybe. Out on the road with cars driving by and neighbors doing yardwork..it's lovely, but not exactly 'all lonely' which is often what I crave.

 
Grateful... for help learning to mount brakes and rotors on Friday; for a hard-working husband - who'll be working a lot this month and will be sorely missed at home! - but who's work keeps me able to do all the spring work we're only just now able to start; for 'good-girl-Luba' who's a delight to have around, even if she does steal butter sticks and hide them - half eaten - in the couch cushions; and for the motivation and energy to make my land more beautiful than ever this year!

Hoping..for an early bedtime for Yarrow - who's tummy is all sad and 'not doing well' but who is otherwise completely fine. I think she has her father's constitution..fighting off the sickness that had me home in bed for two whole days and weak for two more.

Reading..Heretics, by G.K. Chesterton...and actually, I like this one better than any of his other non-fiction. At least of what I've read so far. He's still too...reactionary for my tastes, but he's got a nice style and I'm enjoying what I'm reading. So thanks, little brother, for the long, drawn out loan! The pile of Chesterton books my brother lent me was supposed to go back to him via my parents after Easter (and before that, after Christmas) but I'm glad it's been delayed, or I'd never have tried Heretics.

Working on..lots of writing! And spring cleaning. I've got a few seedlings up, and I'm trying to fix the garden for the hardier plantings, trying to pick and prepare spots for fruit trees, and trying to get the road drive-able by this weekend!

Today: Wesołego Alleluja

Feeling.. Full. Tired. Happy. Celebratory..Wesołego Alleluja!! I'm thrilled that Easter has finally arrived, bringing a proper Spring with it! We went to the Vigil on Holy Saturday, and afterwards to a late-night binging party. On Sunday we slept late, then raided the Święconka basket for all sorts of blessed foods. I had coffee that was more cream than anything, and Yarrow ran around with chocolate smeared fingers, letting Luba clean them for her whenever she could get away with it! 

Yarrow's Święconka basket

Seeing.. the river beside the cafe flowing fast with spring run-off, Yarrow munching bacon and bread, bushia and dziadzia dancing attendance on her, sunlight breaking through the clouds at last, my latest latte - all foamy and beautiful.

Smelling. Coffee, pulled pork, bread, and pickles..cafe smells, I haven't spent much time out in them this Lent, most have limited Lenten options, and fasting really should be done mostly at home, at least my own is best done at home.

Tasting..water..I'm full! We can't eat all the time, right?

Christ..rocking His Resurrection

Listening.. to cafe music..they're all into jazzy music right now..my favorite cafe of all CLOSED for good on Holy Saturday and I'm devastated. Our priest told me after the Vigil, he'd brought me a bag of rolls, knowing I would mourn the loss along with him. I've been looking forward to going to the Bread Shack for a Breve and croissant all Lent. Now I never can again..it's such an argument against delayed gratification.

Grateful... for Christ's saving death and Resurrection..for the deaths of all the pigs contributing to our Easter feasts, for a Polish Church close enough to get the food blessed properly, and for a Spring that has finally come!

Both Święconka baskets, at the park in Portland.

 Hoping..for a quiet night at home and lots of good ideas from the wood-fire baking book I've ordered!

Working on..finally completing a Divine Mercy Novena..it'll be the first year ever if I actually do! Usually I miss day 1; this year I've got three days down, 6 to go!

Today - Monday of Holy Week

Feeling.. Ready. Easter is on the way! We made it to confession on Saturday, thank goodness, and I should have the kitchen put reasonably back together by Friday for baking. If anyone knows of Siamese or other low-allergic kittens for very little money, tell me! I want to get a couple around Easter, and it would be adorable for Yarrow to have them greeting him Easter morning, wouldn't it! If I can find very hypo-allergenic, it'd be nice to get three. I could name them Saint Casimir (after my favorite cat of all time), Boris, and Gleb.. if not, I'll work something else out. I'm hopeful though, you've no idea how much of our snow melted this weekend. I am blessed.

 

 Smelling.Clary Sage, grapefruit, and Murphy's Oil Soap, spring cleaning has begun in earnest! I scrubbed the dome yesterday, and the rafters, today I'm moving the bed and purging beneath it..I'm hoping to dump 80% of what's under there..and seeing as I've not idea what that might be, there's a decent chance I won't miss anything!

Tasting..black tea..I've been toying with the idea of giving up coffee for holy-week, but I think Seth would kill me, and Yarrow would give me that look everyday, and tell me "you are so so crabby. Are you not crabby? Mama is so crabby!" I always feel judged..she says it with the one raised eyebrow then turns to explain me to Luba, "it's ok Ba-ba, mama is just crabby." Hmm..coffee might be required.

 

They're united against me..

Listening.. to Yarrow sing from Once More with Feeling (yes. we bought the soundtrack)..mainly 'pike's song, but Giles' song is popular too, and the parking ticket song. She's as addicted as Seth and I...I'm going to have to cut us off for the Triduum..

Grateful... for Holy Week, for Easter, and for everything that goes along with it! I can't believe we're here already, and at the same time, it's been a long Lent.

Reading.. Why Buffy Matters (don't judge me! It's really interesting!)..but it's time to switch to something that fits the season..any thoughts before I fall right back into Rilke?

 

Loving..The warm nights, warmer days, candle-making, spring-cleaning, dish-gluing, re-painting, spring-planning..playing 'football' and 'basketball' with Yarrow..life in general.

 Hoping..for a lovely spring.
 
Working on..sainthood. If I can get to my domestic-goddess goal, I could be the patron of women who are amazing at life..but right now it looks more like I'll be the patron of lushes and women who's toe-nail polish is forever chipped.. all the same, do you see that bed? turning down the covers instead of making the bed is ideal for the first half of the day! It's easier, it looks so pretty, and it sort of airs out the bed. Also, dogs and eager children can play without ruining the overall effect!

Today

Feeling.. Good! It's warm again today! The snow is slowly melting away.. I slept late, Seth woke up with Yarrow at seven and brought me a hot cup of coffee when I starting shifting into wakefulness at eight! He didn't have to leave for work until a little after nine today, and so we relished this lazy morning!

 

 Smelling.Clary Sage, grapefruit, and Murphy's Oil Soap, spring cleaning has begun in earnest! I scrubbed the dome yesterday, and the rafters, today I'm moving the bed and purging beneath it..I'm hoping to dump 80% of what's under there..and seeing as I've not idea what that might be, there's a decent chance I won't miss anything!

Tasting..black coffee, oatmeal, and oranges..Monday of Passion week! Last night we had amazing blackened-shrimp tacos, today the leftover shrimp are in the freezer, the tortillas are For-Yarrow-Only, and we're back to the grind. But only one week left before we kick it up for Holy Week, and then it's Easter!!! I can't wait.

Listening.. to Yarrow talk all about her love of oranges. Her oatmeal is "too hot". It is not actually hot at all, but she doesn't want it, she wants more orange, more tortilla, more of her own "It is not too spicy for me" salsa, more sesame sticks...not oatmeal. Never oatmeal. Oh the devastation!

Grateful... for the sunlight, for an amazing first run of the season yesterday (after I picked my way through the mud and ruts of our road), for a lovely long, slow morning with my little family, and for Spring-time.

Reading.. A little book about goat-keeping. This might just be the year! I'm getting fresh chickens this spring, ducks, guniea fowl, another pair of pigs, and kittens..maybe another puppy..and this summer, we might just add goats. whew! Pretty exciting, eh!

Loving..The little bit of ritual I've managed to work into my life consistently! I'm feeling so energized..that might just be the sunlight though..and I'm ready to add in more, I think, maybe..we'll see.

 Hoping..that the cleaning goes well and quickly today, that I can find Yarrow's muck boots in time for an afternoon walk to the mailbox, that the snow melts fast. The city is already mostly snow-free, but we've still got up to a foot or more in most areas..and it's all melty and slushy, which makes walking difficult.
 
Working on..becoming a domestic goddess...why not aim high.

Today

Feeling.. the gray, heaviness of the clouds in my head. I'm longing for a good two or three day run of sunlight.  Then I tell myself, I'll get my energy back. This is the longest 'pre-spring' winter I've ever experienced and it's exhausting. But the rain's been pouring down all morning, washing away snow..so there's hope! Maybe by Easter I'll catch a sight of grass in my yard.

Seeing.. a to-do list stacked with things to. Budgeting, bill paying, cleaning, re-arranging, writing, reading, prayers, and all manner of neglected things to tend to .. all written out in black pen beside my little espresso cup.

 

 Smelling.. rose, lavender, and lemongrass, to pick me up and focus my thoughts again..I love the combination so very much. It's balancing and inspiring and centering.. perfect for baths or morning  projects.

Tasting..black coffee and grapefruit .. crazy lenten fun! We've had a spree of fast-breaking: St. Joseph's, Annunciation, and our anniversary..now it's time to settle in for the long haul.

Listening.. to the Once More with Feeling soundtrack..it's been in my head for days: "We things get rough, he just hides behind his Buffy.." "..am I marrying a demon, we could really raise the beam on making marriage a hell!". But this one's one of my favorites:

Grateful... for the rain, which was neither the predicted ice nor the predicted snow. Thank God for rain.

Reading.. A little pile of random books..Some Rilke, some Shakespeare, some magazines, some John Paul II..I'm kind of uncommitted right now.

Loving..The pretty bangs I cut in my hair yesterday, and the pretty black dress I found. Prettiness all around! I've got to come up with an Easter dress, don't I? That's fun to think about..

 Hoping..that the warm days are here at last..warm enough to start the melting, and who knows.. maybe our road will be drive-able again soon!
 
Working on..waking up. Consistency, and using up the over-abundance of fabric I've got in the house.